In our day-to-day interactions, many of us strive to be kind, inclusive, and respectful. Yet, as 35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say by Dr. Maura Cullen reminds us, good intentions do not always lead to positive impact.
Reading this book, I found myself thinking not just about the examples Cullen provides, but about moments in my own life, both as a professional and as someone who has navigated different cultural environments. Some of the phrases she highlights felt uncomfortably familiar. Not necessarily because I use them often, but because I’ve heard them in spaces that were otherwise supportive and well-meaning.
Cullen’s central argument is both simple and challenging: even well-meaning comments can unintentionally create distance, reinforce stereotypes, or invalidate others’ experiences. Phrases like “I don’t see color,” “You’re so articulate,” or “Where are you really from?” are often meant as compliments or attempts to connect, but they can instead signal exclusion or misunderstanding.
What stood out to me is how easily these phrases can appear in everyday conversation. I’ve witnessed moments where a question like “Where are you really from?” was asked out of genuine curiosity, yet it subtly shifted the interaction placing the other person in a position of needing to explain or justify their identity. Reflecting on those moments now, I see more clearly how intent and impact can diverge.
Intent vs. Impact
One of the most valuable frameworks from the book is the distinction between intent and impact. Many of us focus on what we meant to say, assuming that positive intent should be enough. However, cultural competence requires us to shift our attention to how our words are received.
This idea particularly resonated with me because I recognize how often I instinctively evaluate communication based on intent, both in myself and others. It feels natural to think, “They didn’t mean anything by it,” or “I was just trying to be nice.” But Cullen’s work challenges that reflex. It pushes us to sit with discomfort and consider that our words can have consequences beyond what we intended.
Cullen emphasizes that statements intended to build connection can actually “widen the diversity gap” when they dismiss identity, minimize lived experiences, or center the speaker’s perspective instead of the listener’s.
For professionals working in diverse environments, especially in higher education, this distinction is critical. In my work with students, many of whom are navigating new cultural and academic contexts, I’ve seen how even small moments in conversation can influence whether someone feels comfortable opening up or holding back. Language plays a powerful role in shaping that experience.
Moving Toward More Inclusive Communication
Perfection is not the goal. In fact, Cullen explicitly encourages readers not to fear making mistakes, but to learn from them and continue growing.
This was an important reminder for me. It can be tempting to approach cultural competency as something we either “get right” or “get wrong,” but in reality it’s an ongoing process. Some of my own learning has come from moments where I realized that I could have responded differently or more thoughtfully.
Developing cultural competence means listening actively rather than preparing a response, reflecting on impact instead of defending intent, being open to feedback, and staying curious about perspectives different from our own. These practices help move us from performative inclusivity to meaningful connection.
A Starting Point, Not an Endpoint
35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say is not a comprehensive theory of diversity or intercultural communication. Instead, it serves as a practical entry point. To an extent, it is a mirror that invites us to examine our everyday language and assumptions.
Cultural competency is an ongoing process. It requires humility, self-awareness, and a willingness to adjust how we communicate. As Cullen suggests, the bigger mistake is not saying the wrong thing, but choosing not to engage, reflect, and improve at all.
References
Cullen, M. (2008). 35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say: Surprising Things We Say That Widen the Diversity Gap (1st ed.). Morgan James Publishing.
