Today is National Grammar Day, otherwise known as the Feast of Purism. It is the holiest day of the Purist calendar.
It is the day all foolish children ask, why is National Grammar Day different from all other days?
On all other days you tell the foolish child, “It is different because I said so.” But on National Grammar Day, you must make everyone listen to yet another endless retelling of the story of our liberation from the tyranny of prescriptive grammar.
On all other days, the day begins when we wake up. But National Grammar Day begins at sundown of the day before, which is called National Grammar Eve. On National Grammar Eve, we sit down to a special meal and eat our words.
On all other days, we end our sentences with prepositions. On National Grammar Day, we must remove all the prepositions from our house and sell them to a nonpurist neighbor. After National Grammar Day, we may buy them back.
On all other days, we use inflated language. On National Grammar Day, we use only uninflated language to commemorate the time when we were in such haste to flee the Purists that our vocabulary didn’t have time to become inflated.
On all other days, we don’t parse our sentences. But on National Grammar Day, we recall our time of bondage to Purism by diagramming all our sentences.
On all other days, we try to name the Seven Dwarfs. On National Grammar Day, we try to name the Parts of Speech.
On all other days, we read whatever we want. On National Grammar Day, we may read only from The Elements of Style.
On all other days, we write as much as we want. On National Grammar Day, we must omit unnecessary words.
On all other days, we do not write on our doorposts. On National Grammar Day, we write on our doorposts, then correct our errors with red ink so the Angel of Purism will pass over our house and strike down our neighbors’ solecisms instead.
On all other days, we speak with all kinds of verbs, but on National Grammar Day, we speak only with bitter verbs.
On all other days, we deplore puns. On National Grammar Day, which is March 4th, we are commanded to march forth and make bad puns.
On all other days, we split infinitives publicly. On National Grammar Day, we hide our split infinitives and offer prizes to anyone who finds them.
On all other days, the day ends at midnight. But National Grammar Day ends at sundown, so we can spend the rest of the evening relaxing with the passive voice.
As the sun sinks slowly in the west on National Grammar Day Eve (not to be confused with National Grammar Eve), we bid a fond farewell to National Grammar Day and look forward to another year without parsing.
